I’m not going to angrily rant about the concept of two such beloved heroes fighting each other, nor will I delve into the whole publicity, money, word-of-mouth, and other such nonsense regarding the movie Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I knew it wasn’t great going into it (finally), but the wife and decided to put ourselves through it – the extended three hour version I might add. So, without further angerball antics, here is a list of 100 points as to why this movie was just so bad. Some spoilers ahead. Prepare yourselves. In chronological order…
1. The opening scene, the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents tries to rip off both Tim Burton (pearls) and Christopher Nolan (bat hole).
2. The seemingly possessed Wayne kid is levitated by the swirling bats.
3. We first see adult Bruce Wayne amidst a pointless Independence Day / War of the Worlds-style attack sequence.
4. It is apparent very early on that a lot of money has been wasted on this shit.
5. Are we really supposed to care about the old guy in the building meeting his end?
6. Wayne drags a little girl from a huge piece of falling debris that was not even going to hit her anyway.
7. The discovery of kryptonite scene lacks any impact.
8. The scene introducing Lois Lane is an insult to Zero Dark Thirty.
9. Gotham City has a rather bad tempered football team.
10. Batman lurking up between the wall and the ceiling was fucking creepy – and not in a good way.
11. The bat symbol imprint on any given criminal’s body is a tad serial killerish.
12. It dawns on you many times why such a well-respected actress like Amy Adams would do this movie.
13. Ben Affleck’s Bruce Wayne appears too much asshole too early on.
14. The talented Jeremy Irons can shamefully cross off “playing Alfred” off his bucket list.
15. Jeremy Irons is not in the movie enough.
16. On entry, Lex Luther seems about as villainous as Mark Zuckerberg.
17. The film continually misses at attempting to embed memorable, profound one-liners.
18. The Kahina Ziri subplot is meant to be emotively political but is only awkward and forgettable.
19. The police tell the vandal to get down from the statue as he begins, but somehow is allowed to write quite a bit as we cut to the next scene.
20. The sarcastic Daily Planet editor-in-chief seems to think he is Peter Parker’s boss instead.
21. The first Bruce Wayne dream sequence is ridiculously laughable – is that a giant vampire bat?
22. Luther’s oddness often comes across as Eisenberg’s boredom.
23. Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne’s difference of opinion suggests they are fighting already. Lame.
24. A cut away to Superman bringing a girl from a burning building is distractingly out of place.
25. The public’s doubt over Superman after all he has done is truly inhumane to say the least. Selfish, fickle pricks.
26. Jena Malone is under-used, and would have made a much spunkier Lois.
27. Some of the violence is excessive for a “superhero” movie – see the prison stabbing.
28. Bruce Wayne latching onto Diana Prince is a little too rapey.
29. Desert-storm Batman in a trench coat is a sight I never want to experience again. Ever.
30. Said desert sequence is a blatant Mad Max: Fury Road rip-off. Fail.
31. Hellboy Batman whacking soldiers with a gun is embarrassing.
32. What the fuck are those man-flies?
33. The message that Lois Lane is the answer is a horrendously over-visual scene. My eyes!
34. The film casually, cheaply uses computers and holding up newspapers to convey pointless information.
35. Most of the action set-pieces are anything but spectacular. Yawn.
36. The Batmobile crashing through a boat, then shooting its way out from a totally different angle is beyond incomprehensible – even for a fantasy film.
37. Superman is often framed in slow motion with the red swooshing cape, but it does not look good.
38. Batman’s monstrous voice makes you forgive Christian Bale on the spot.
39. The pushing in front of the train scene just feels like the writers did not know what else to do.
40. The explosion in the courtroom is a little too close to home with regards to terror threats in our real world. Or am I being over-sensitive?
41. Bruce Wayne is unbelievably swayed too easy by mere notes and events that entice him to want Superman dead.
42. The romantic scenes with Kent and Lane have little chemistry.
43. Snippets and clues of Lex Luther’s evil plans are disjointed and make little sense.
44. Bruce Wayne working out to get stronger for his fight with Superman is worse than any Rocky montage could have been in its worse nightmare.
45. Wayne’s fascination with Diana Prince seems less detective and more perverted.
46. At times I thought Lex Luther was somewhere between the sets of The Matrix and Prometheus.
47. It is oh so annoying when Lois Lane keeps speaking plot developments out loud with a forced realization.
48. When Kevin Costner (bless him) shows up and aptly says “it’s all downhill from here”.
49. Bruce Wayne and Alfred could well be the same age.
50. The bat signal is crap. It’s practically an oblong.
51. Batman’s armor and lit up eyes would have Robo-Cop rolling on the floor laughing.
52. Luther begins to imitate The Joker after a while – and it is not funny in the slightest.
53. Superman catching the falling Lois is nowhere near as exciting as the original recuse in 1978.
54. Superman is way too influenced and slowed down by emotions. Pull it together, son.
55. Superman’s red eyes is head-shakingly bad, and you are reminded for a second of an 80s horror B movie.
56. Luther has his own violin theme not dissimilar to that score from The Double (also with Eisenberg).
57. Diane Lane is so much better than this.
58. Most of the gun-wielding bad guys are knucklehead cliches.
59. As beautiful as she is there is far too much of Diana Prince watching the madness unfold.
60. The blatant hinting of those other special ones seems forced.
61. Superman seems to float around with little urgency one minute and zoom faster than the speed of light the next.
62. How Batman can move under all that costume weight is beyond me.
63. As expected, Batman really takes a pounding early on in the duel.
64. Superman falls for the smoke grenade decoy. Oh dear.
65. That hair falling over the forehead signifies Superman being weaker.
66. Superman does not seem to be able to block punches.
67. Batman’s suit when broken seems to conduct electricity the same way The Terminator did when he crashed to Earth.
68. Broken Batman monster voice is even harder to understand.
69. Both the mothers are called Martha. No way. Or just no.
70. That revelation changes everything in the blink of an eye, and Batman and Superman are suddenly best friends.
71. Batman all of a sudden starts to sound like Ben Affleck again.
72. Batman all of a sudden starts to look like Batman again.
73. That Superman’s mother figured Batman was a friend because of the cape. No lols to be found.
74. Batman all of a sudden starts to sound like a monster again.
75. Why does Superman just stand there and let Lex Luther spout all that shit?
76. There is little explanation into the kryptonian monster that is now ready for destruction.
77. The movie temporarily becomes an insult to the King Kong movies and even Ang Lee’s The Hulk.
78. It appears too easy for the powers that be to blow Superman and the creature to bits. Literal weapons fail.
79. That the creature is then described as unkillable.
80. The creature’s transformation physically is much more farcical than scary.
81. Batman’s intervention appears to make things worse.
82. Batman’s plan to make the creature follow him to the city is pulled off extraordinarily too easy. Blink and you’ll miss it.
83. So many explosions and rapid action you can hardly see what the fuck is happening.
84. It takes two and a half hours for Wonder Woman, the greatest single thing about the entire joke of a movie, to make an appearance.
85. As cool as she is, how does Wonder Woman do more good than Batman and Superman have put together the entire movie?
86. Lois Lane almost getting herself drowned had me shaking my head for what must have been the hundredth time.
87. How does Superman only hear Lois banging under water, and not the cries of terror of the thousands of terrified and seriously injured people amidst the destroyed city rubble?
88. While Wonder Woman knocks the creature for six, Batman is using his specialist skill of dodging and swinging.
89. Superman and Lois sharing a moment as all hell continues to break loose. Pick your moments guys.
90. How the kryptonite spear almost drowned Superman, but he is able to fly with it later for what seems like miles.
91. There seems to be no mention or respect paid to the thousands of innocent lives that must have been lost in that ridiculous battle. But Superman might be dead! Oh well then!
92. There’s a moment in Luther’s lair where a monster simply vaporizes. What the fuck?
93. That we are supposed to be like “Oh wow, that’s how Luther got bald.”.
94. How much it dawns on you that Laurence Fishburne’s chief looks more like KFC’s Colonel.
95. The whole mourning of Superman’s death goes on for far too long – especially as we all know it is utter bullshit anyway.
96. When Diane Lane is crying at the end you can’t help feeling it is actually Diane Lane crying.
97. When Wayne says to Diana “Help me find the others like you”, you know it is because he knows he is merely a man in a suit, and not someone with almighty strength and super-powers.
98. When you realize over and over again that the whole concept and movie is a real fucking insult to the Batman we know and love.
99. The scene with Batman visiting Luther in his cell just feels like one of many that should have stayed on the cutting room floor. And trampled on. Many times.
100. The final shot is meant to have a huge impact – who the fuck are you kidding?!
Now your turn, come on, I bet you can find another 100…