Okay let’s shovel some of the shit out of the way, with a selection of five horror movies we love to hate. Awful writing, terrible acting, ridiculous direction, laughable plots, unsurprising twists. The list goes on, but some of this garbage will have you rolling in the aisles or therapeutically enraged. And for those reasons alone, these are highly recommended by The Greek and I.
Smiley (2012)
I was going to type a whole bunch of negative stuff about this but whatever, it’s not worth it and who cares. The condensed version. Shane (Shanaynay being the peak of his acting career) should change his name to Shame Dawson, Toby should never try acting off script again, and the rest can stay in Smiley‘s universe because that’s as good as it’s ever gonna get for them. Way to cash in on the subscribers, though. Truly cringeworthy waste of time. – – – The Greek
Apartment 1303 3D (2012)
The one dimensional plot (I am so generous) is likely the most, how can I say, interesting, no, familiar thing about this. The familiarity comes from the standard, and poor execution of, horror conventions associated with a haunted house, only this time it is an apartment. One character drives the plot by talking to herself excessively, everyone tends to over-react to the simplest of things, as well as that pouty, lanky chick from The O.C. reminding us of her bottom tier acting – like we had forgotten. Ludicrous and humorous in all the wrong places.
Wishmaster (1997)
This is so bad, so incredibly bad that… just… I freaking love it! No matter the time, place, mood or whatever, I could watch this and just completely trip away from my troubles, so hilariously awful that this… effort is. I won’t grace it with stars since, on the serious side, it deserves none. As a personal experience though, this gets 6 out of 5, three thumbs up, about 13 Oscars — and why not throw in a Grammy for good measure. My slow applause as I stand in thankful ovation. – – – The Greek
The Traveler (2010)
Val Kilmer is the title character, who strolls into a police station in the middle of nowhere (obviously), without a care in the world. Events soon take a bloody turn, as one-by-one the law enforcers become victims of their own unethical justice. The most horrifying aspect of this gruesome chucklefest is Kilmer’s complete lack of emotion, his bag-of-flour posture, not to mention his golden locks of hair and somehow managing to keep a straight face through all of this. Impressive. And I say that lightly.
The Wicker Man (2006)
When Nic Cage famously screams “how’d it get burnt?!” in unmatchably cruddy fashion, one could be forgiven for assuming he could be referring to the movie’s script. That’s, of course, now all that is very wrong with this mess. The classic 1973 chiller didn’t need a remake for one, the rest of this unintended horror parody makes a mockery of the tale’s eerie community and their ritualistic ways, fails to control it’s own shambolic tone, but does add value to Cage’s hysterical filmography. Watch this for the kicks, then stick on the brilliant original to restore order to the universe.
Comment below with your takes on these, and why not add your own crummy horrors to the mix – plenty to choose from.