I’m not going to angrily rant about the concept of two such beloved heroes fighting each other. Nor will I delve into the whole publicity, word-of-mouth, and other such nonsense regarding the movie Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I knew it wasn’t great going into it back in 2016, and recently decided to put myself through it again – the extended three hour version I might add.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t hate this movie. In fact, I haven’t laughed so much during actually comedies. Plus, there are some pretty dazzling visuals and set-pieces to behold. However, without further angerball antics, here is a regurgitated list of 100 points as to why this movie was just not the classic some thought it might be. Some spoilers ahead. Prepare yourselves. In chronological order…
1. The opening scene, the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents, tries to rip off and outshine both Tim Burton (pearls) and Christopher Nolan (bat hole).
2. The seemingly possessed Wayne kid is levitated by the swirling bats. Looks like fun in all honesty.
3. We first see adult Bruce Wayne amidst a pointless Independence Day / War of the Worlds-style action sequence. I just…
4. It is apparent very early on that a lot of money has been wasted on this kind of shit.
5. Are we really supposed to care about the old guy in the building about to meet his maker?
6. Wayne drags a little girl from a huge piece of falling debris, which was not even going to hit her anyway.
7. The discovery of kryptonite scene lacks any impact. I thought we had cut to commercials for a second.
8. The scene introducing Lois Lane is an insult to Zero Dark Thirty. You wish, Snyder.
9. Gotham City has a rather bad tempered football team.
10. Batman lurking up between the wall and the ceiling was fucking creepy as hell. And not in a good way.
11. The bat symbol imprint on any given criminal’s body is a tad serial killerish. Grievous bodily harm at least.
12. It dawns on you many times why such a well-respected actress like Amy Adams would do this movie. There is no justice.
13. Ben Affleck’s Bruce Wayne appears too much asshole too early on.
14. The talented Jeremy Irons can shamefully cross off “playing Alfred” from his bucket list. And he is not in the movie enough.
15. On entry, Lex Luther seems about as villainous as Mark Zuckerberg in an 80s rom-com.
16. The Kahina Ziri subplot is meant to be emotively political, but is only awkward and forgettable. One of a few black characters on the outskirts.
17. The police tell the vandal to get down from the statue as he begins, but somehow is allowed to write quite a bit as we cut to the next scene.
18. The sarcastic Daily Planet editor-in-chief seems to think he is Peter Parker’s boss instead.
19. The first Bruce Wayne dream sequence is ridiculously laughable. Is that a giant vampire bat?
20. Luther’s oddness often comes across as Eisenberg’s boredom.
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21. Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne’s difference of opinion suggests they are fighting already. Lame.
22. A cut away to Superman bringing a girl from a burning building is distractingly out of place. Get the editor on the phone.
23. The people’s doubt over Superman after all he has done is truly inhumane to say the least. Selfish, fickle pricks.
24. The scrumptious Jena Malone is sinfully under-used. And would have made a much spunkier Lois Lane.
25. Even in the presence of Bruce Wayne, or Batman, or Daredevil – Jeremy Irons is still the coolest guy in the room.
26. Some of the violence is excessive for a “superhero” movie. The prison stabbing scene was by-the-book unnecessary.
27. Lurking Bruce Wayne latching onto Diana Prince is a little too rapey. #MeToo anyone?
28. Desert-storm Batman in a trench coat is a sight I never want to experience again. Could he be wearing anymore clothes?
29. Said desert sequence is a blatant Mad Max: Fury Road rip-off. Fail. You wish, Snyder.
30. Hellboy Batman whacking soldiers carousel-style with a gun is embarrassing.
31. What the fuck are those man-flies by the way?
32. The hypnotic message that Lois Lane is the answer is a horrendously over-visual scene. My eyes!
33. The film casually, cheaply uses computers and holding up newspapers to convey pointless information. Over and over and over again.
34. Most of the action set-pieces are anything but spectacular. Yawn.
35. The Batmobile crashing through a boat, then shooting its way out from a totally different angle is beyond incomprehensible. Even for a fantasy film.
36. Superman is often framed in slow motion with the red swooshing cape. It is neither windy nor does it look good.
37. Batman’s monstrous voice makes you forgive Christian Bale on the spot.
38. Although part of the film, this is the moment the actor realizes nobody will even remember him.
39. The pushing in front of the train scene just feels like the writers did not know what else to do.
40. The explosion in the courtroom, leaves many folk blown to smithereens. And Superman doesn’t have a scratch on him. The audacity.
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41. Bruce Wayne is unbelievably swayed far too easy by mere notes and events that entice him to want Superman dead. Was he bullied at school?
42. The romantic scenes with Kent / Superman and Lois have little chemistry.
43. Bruce Wayne working out to get stronger for his fight with Superman is worse than any Rocky montage could have been in its worse nightmare. It’s much better with Joe Esposito’s “You’re The Best” playing over it.
44. Wayne’s fascination with Diana Prince seems less detective and far more perverted.
45. At times I thought Lex Luther was somewhere between the sets of The Matrix and Prometheus.
46. It is oh so annoying when Lois Lane keeps speaking plot developments out loud with a forced realization. Like when Matthew has to repeat what Sooty says in his ear.
47. When Kevin Costner (bless him) shows up and aptly says “it’s all downhill from here”.
48. Batman’s armor and lit up eyes would have Robo-Cop rolling on the floor laughing.
49. The bat signal is crap. It’s practically an oblong.
50. Luther begins to imitate The Joker after a while – and it is not funny in the slightest.
51. Superman catching the falling Lois is nowhere near as exhilarating as the original recuse in 1978.
52. Superman’s red eyes is head-shakingly bad, and you are reminded for a second of an 80s horror B movie.
53. Superman is way too influenced and slowed down by emotions. Pull it together, son.
54. Half the movie is told via breaking news reports on the television. CNN made a gazillion dollars as affiliates.
55. As undeniably beautiful as she is, there is far too much of Diana Prince watching the madness gradually unfold.
56. Superman is so clingy with Lois, she almost loses her cab.
57. The blatant hinting of those other special ones seems forced.
58. Superman seems to float around with little urgency one minute, and zoom faster than the speed of light the next.
59. Lame-ass head-to-head shot – “for the poster” someone can be heard saying. Original title was: Megatron v Superman.
60. How Sir Batman-elot can move under all that costume weight is beyond me.
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61. As expected, Batman really takes a pounding early on in the duel.
62. Superman falls for the smoke grenade decoy. Oh dear. That’s textbook.
63. That hair falling over the forehead signifies Superman being weaker.
64. Given all his incredible super-human powers, Superman does not seem to be able to block your standard punches.
65. Batman’s suit when broken seems to conduct electricity the same way The Terminator did when he crashed to Earth.
66. Broken Batman monster voice is even harder to understand.
67. Both the mothers are called Martha. No way. Or just no.
68. That revelation changes everything in the blink of an eye, and Batman and Superman are suddenly best friends forever.
69. Batman all of a sudden starts to sound like Ben Affleck again.
70. Batman all of a sudden starts to look like Batman again.
71. The gun-wielding bad guys are your basic knucklehead cliche.
72. That Superman’s mother figured Batman was a friend because of the cape. No LOLs to be found.
73. Why does Superman just stand there and let Lex Luther spout all that shit…
74. …even while what appears to be all hell breaking lose?
75. There is little explanation into the kryptonian monster that is now ready for destruction. His name: Doomsday. Original.
76. The movie temporarily becomes an insult to the King Kong movies, and even Ang Lee’s The Hulk. You wish, Snyder.
77. The ridiculously expansive pink neon electrical dome that appears every time Doomsday powers-up, is the reason for those power outages in 2015.
78. That the creature is then described as “unkillable”.
79. The creature’s transformation physically is much more farcical than scary.
80. Batman’s intervention appears to make things worse. Oops.
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81. Batman’s plan to make the creature follow him to the city is pulled off extraordinarily too easy. Blink and you’ll miss it.
82. So many explosions and rapid action you can hardly see what the fuck is happening.
83. The very moment Batman believes he’s done for. Yes, put your arms up and head down, that’ll protect you from Doomsday’s wrath.
84. It takes two and a half hours for Wonder Woman, the greatest single thing about the entire joke of a movie, to make an appearance. Which is the same moment I wet myself.
85. As cool as she is, how does Wonder Woman do more good than Batman and Superman have put together?
86. Lois Lane almost getting herself drowned had me shaking my head for what must have been the hundredth time.
87. How does Superman only hear Lois banging under water, and not the cries of terror of the thousands of terrified and seriously injured people amidst the destroyed city rubble?
88. While Wonder Woman knocks the creature for six, Batman is using his specialist skills of dodging, swaying and spectating.
89. Superman and Lois sharing a moment as all hell continues to break loose. Pick your moments guys.
90. How the kryptonite spear almost drowned Superman, but he is able to fly with it later for what seems like miles. At great speed too.
91. There seems to be no mention or respect paid to the thousands of innocent lives that must have been lost in that ridiculous battle. But Superman might be dead! Oh well then!
92. There’s a moment in Luther’s lair where a monster simply vaporizes. What the actual fuck?
93. That we are supposed to be like: “Oh wow, that’s how Luther got bald.”.
94. How much it dawns on you that Laurence Fishburne’s chief looks more like KFC’s Colonel. Family bucket, anyone?
95. The whole mourning of Superman’s death goes on for far too long. Especially as we all know it is utter bullshit anyway.
96. When Diane Lane is crying at the end you can’t help feeling it is actually Diane Lane crying.
97. When Wayne says to Diana: “Help me find the others like you”, you know it is because he’s aware he is merely a man in a suit, and not someone with almighty strength and super-powers.
98. How this got through security I’ll never know. The justice system, eh.
99. The scene with Batman visiting Luther in his cell just feels like one of many that should have stayed on the cutting room floor. And trampled on. Many times.
100. The final shot of rumbling soil is meant to have a huge impact. Who the fuck are you kidding?!
Now your turn, come on, I bet you can find another 100…